I kind of don't care if he can do it. I really don't. The thing is, I am inspired and hopeful and excited. We needed change in 2004, and I still wasn't that riled up. But we need it more now. And however he does it, if he can do it, is fine. I am just not ready to be kicked down one more time by people saying he can't. I NEED this now, WE need this now.

I just listened to American Idiot all the way through and I bawled my eyes out. I hate my life right now. I'm such a burden on everyone. I have been trying to get a job, any job, for almost 2 months and I haven't even been called on an interview. I'm in a messy position since Patty went crazy and now I have no reference. Arlene keeps calling me and giving us gift cards, my mom is paying half of our bills, and someone suggested we go on food stamps. I keep thinking back to a year ago when I graduated from college (almost exactly a year ago) and how I thought it would be so easy to just get a stupid office job that paid decently and I'd be set. Reality bites. I have all these dreams, all these things I want, and I feel like I will never achieve them. I have a 4 year degree that I should be proud of, but instead I feel like it hinders me. I just don't know what to do. There just isn't enough money, and all we're doing is paying bills. I feel so isolated and alone, like no one understands what I'm going through. I don't want Greg to have to pay for everything, I don't want to have to lecture him on why he can't do things when he wants to. I don't want to be forced to sit in the house all day staring at TV because I can't afford gas or to go do anything anyway. I miss Sarah, I miss my friends, I miss being in college and my mom having a good job and not having to worry about anything because I believed that the world was mine for the taking once I graduated. I feel just awful. I'm so stressed out because all I can think about is how much money everything costs, and when I'm not thinking about that, I'm obsessing over something about the wedding because it's all I have to think about all day long that isn't money. I can't stop crying, and I should be happy. I should be able to tell myself that things will be better after we come home from our honeymoon. But I know they won't. I know that there won't be any more jobs, or any more money than there is right now. In fact, there will be less. This sucks. I need to throw up.

I hate the government. I don't understand how half of it works, but I hate it. The entire legal system and social welfare programs are broken, the whole damn lot of it.
They denied me unemployment. What makes no sense to me is that even that Patty is the one who laid me off, they were going to get my pay from the last 4 jobs I had. These included 2 part time jobs, and the two $8/hr jobs I had, one of which wasn't even considered full-time by the goverment (as it was below 40 hours a week). It seems strange to me that other employers would be held accountable for something Patty did. In any event, I didn't think anything of it, figuring a lay off is always acceptable for unemployment. But apparently, it isn't. Because the other jobs they were using to pay me I had quit. To go on to other employment. And so I didn't meet the criteria, and therefore I get no money. Not like they were going to pay me enough, but all the bills would have been covered and Greg would only have to worry about the rent. Now, I don't know what we are going to do. I have been applying to all kinds of places. Half of them I can't call and follow up on because there is no contact info on them from career builder. All the ones I followed up on the positions were filled, like within two days of me submitting my resume. WTF?
It's a gorgeous day out, but I feel like shit. My bridal shower is tomorrow and there is going to be like... 6 people there. My whole family lives out of state, and so do most of my friends. The other friends I have in state all copped out. Some of them half to work, which is understandable, but the rest of them... they are too busy with grad school (it's SATURDAY), are doing YARDWORK... or decided at the last minute not to come. Jesus. So I'm broke, I feel like no one cares enough to be bothered to even come to my shower, and I can't decide on what to wear.
I'm pathetic.

Well, I got laid off. And I'm back to the same old, same old. Needing a good job, having there be no good jobs, and having no godamn idea what I want in life. This all just brings into sharp contrast how I have no plans, no ambition. I never have and I probably never will. I had some when I was young, but they were all just things I was into, nothing that could actually be a job. And besides, when you get older, the money things bring in is just as, if not more, important than what you want to do.
I just feel like my life has no purpose, no meaning. All I can do is know facts, and that doesn't help me much.
I don't want to be a receptionist for the rest of my life. I don't want to work an hourly job at just above minimum wage and always live paycheck to paycheck. I want a house and kids and to be secure and stable. I think all I really ever wanted in life was stability. I want to be able to live somewhere that I can paint the walls, and have my cats and be happy.
I don't know what I am going to do.

My mother in law is the WORST person in the ENTIRE world. Even my wedding planner/ boss thinks so. I know because she told me.
So after the most recent "no rehearsal dinner at the Melting Pot" debacle, my wonderful wedding planner decided she would take Arlene and Jon out to dinner there so they could see how it works, what it's like, etc. All was fine. They went last night, and, according to Patty they showed up LATE and she was in a dirty t-shirt and jeans. Patty arranged it with the owner to have a sampling of pretty much everything and of COURSE Arlene just says "I don't like anything" over and over and over. Patty said she wanted to throw the beef at her at one point and say "here's your damn beef!" She apparently spent the whole night talking about her ex-husband and how she decalred bankruptcy twice to someone she had JUST met (Patty) and, whenever anything was brought up about how Greg and I wanted to have the dinner here she kept interrupting and saying "PAIGE wants to have dinner here" (as if I have brainwashed him into wanting it.... yeah right.) And she kept saying all night how she didn't even know anyone who was going to be at the dinner, but that didn't stop her, at the end of eating everything she "doesn't like" and letting Patty PAY for it, from saying "I just don't think people will like it." Which I marvel at, since she doesn't know anyone at the rehearsal dinner.
I am so pissed off. At this point, I don't even want to HAVE a rehearsal dinner because I am embarrassed by what MY classy, well-mannered, polite family will think. This is disgusting. I love Greg, but I can't believe he was spawned from THIS...

SO. I got a new job.

I was on the phone this morning with my wedding planner and she was rescheduling with me because her horse got very sick and the vet was coming over, most likely to put him down. And we were trying to find a time to reschedule and I had just nothing availaible due to work. So finally she says "what about after work sometime? We can get dinner!" and I told her I don't usually get off until 7:30 or later. And so she says "How about before?" and I told her I work at 7:30 in the mornings. So she put it together and says "you work 12 hour shifts?" and starts asking me all these questions. So I told her about the hours and the low pay and the getting yelled at for bringing Greg to work and being late once, ever, and the threats about getting fired if they find out I'm looking for another job. So she asked me if I work tomorrow. I told her yes. And she says "put in your 2 weeks." And I said "WHAT?" and she said she's hiring me to be her admin assistant and that she will pay me $9.00/hr to start (that's all she can put on the payroll right now) and she'll take care of me. SO... I guess I am putting in my two weeks. I called her this afternoon to verify it was for real and she swore yes it was.
So, cool. If I do well, maybe I can get into event planning. And THAT would be nice.

My life seriously sucks right now. Like, just sucks. I had a great interview on friday, for a great job at a dentist's office... one that has 8-5 hours m-t and 8-2 on friday... $12/hr, and they made it sound like I practically had the job. Then, they didn't call me. I called there, and the office manager was out of the office etc. And I get her this morning, and I didn't get the job. They interviewed a straggler yesterday who had 10 years of experience, and SHE got the job. But, they are keeping my resume on file if it doesn't work out.
Thing is... this made me realise how much I can't do my job I have now, with the hours and all. How little money I have in my checking account between paychecks. And I'm thinking it's all just not fair. I NEED a new job. I am with a temp service who does nothing for me. I have used all of my good networking skills (people with important, high-up jobs) and I just don't know what else to do. I read the books on interviewing, I networked, I got a degree.... I really just think there is no work in Ft. Collins. And I tell Greg this morning and all he tells me is "don't get upset, unless you have to. But don't linger on it." This from the guy who works 8-5 m-f and makes $13/hr and gets paid weekly. I know what's good for him is good for me, and i know that he had to work a shitty job for years before he got a good one (more his choice, since he didn't really look for a new one, and when he started looking, he found one), but still. It's like, please don't tell me how to feel. He didn't waste 4 years of his life and $40,000 of his mother's money getting a degree that most people seem to be more than happy to downplay at every second. I would like to start getting some respect for the things i have done as opposed to getting no respect due to the things I haven't. I am tired. I am tired because I work 12 hour days, I constantly worry about money, and I feel like there is no end in sight to this.

I wonder if everyone really has it easier than I do, or if they are just better at faking it...

I don't understand why people misrepresent themselves so much. I took a job yesterday as a receptionist at a dentists office. There was a space on the application that talked about the hours of the job like this "our office is open 7:30am to 7:30pm during the week, and 7:30 am to 1:30pm on Saturdays. Shifts are from 7:30am to 1:30pm and 1:30pm to 7:30pm. Every employee must work 2-3 nights a week or 2-3 Saturdays a month. Would these hours be a problem for you?" I said no, of course. Then, when interviewed, the doctor asked me how I felt about 12 hour days, to which I responded "Well, I worked 10 hour shifts at the salon." He then proceeded to say the same thing as the application and made it sound like, occasionally, one might need to work a 12 hour shift. I figured this was okay. Then, today, on my first day, I asked the receptionists how the schedule generally works, and they said they work 12 hour shifts 2 to 3 times a week and then have 3 days off. So... I don't think THIS job is going to work either. Because it's only 36 hours a week, and it's the same I was getting paid. Which really wasn't that much, considering. It just really irritates me because that is NOT how it was on the application, and NOT how he made it sound. At all. When the application said "nights" it certainly didn't denote 12 hours a day... it denoted a 1:30-7:30 shift. I'm not that big of an idiot, am I?
Which really sucks, because I really thought this was going to work out.

I am really pissed off right now. Not really for any reason, either. Being unemployed SUCKS. It sucked the last time, but at least then I was in school. Now I have NOTHING to do all day but try to find jobs that aren't there. I applied for 3 today, but that's literally the only three there were. And now it's 1 and I have nothing to do for the rest of the day. I can't go do anything either, mainly because I can't buy anything and I can't afford gas.
Pretty much everyone forgot my birthday. I got a text from Rachel, but that's only because I called her the day before and left her a message. I at least sang her happy birthday on her voicemail. Sarah didn't call me either. She's the maid of honour in my wedding.
23 sucks. I am too old to have nothing figured out.
I applied to go to graduate school at the University of Queensland in Australia. I figure it's the only way I can get into grad school since my grades here are too bad. Maybe I'll get accepted, I can take out a loan and I can do something with my life.
Other than that, I guess I'll be here looking at jobs that want me to work nights and weekends and pay me $7.25 to do it.

I am banning myself from Facebook. All it does is make me absolutely miserable because I begin to convince myself that everyone has it easy and everything they want is falling into place. Stupid, I know, but still. So I am not going to look at it anymore. Besides, I hate most of the people I went to high school with, anyway.

So I put my two weeks in at Tuana today. Kazim nearly had a heart attack and spent the entire day trying to guilt me out of leaving. None of this helped very much, considering I don't have any sort of job lined up after I leave. Hopefully, I will find something in the 2 weeks. I know that all the things he was saying ("I was going to send you to managament classes a Bumble and Bumble in New York!") aren't true, and if I were to challenge him on it, it wouldn't materialise into anything, but in some ways it does feel like i'm leaving something stable, since I have no idea what I am going to do, not to mention what I want to do. Ugh. Growing up sucks.
Did I mention I hate Sabrina Karim? Because I fucking hate her. Maybe not her, but everything she stands for. Sure, she worked hard to get what she has... but she also didn't work as hard in the same ways I did. And not to mention she has that whole false sense of being affected. But she's not worrying about leaving a stupid $8/hr job in which she works her fucking ass off. Oh no, she's going to OXFORD. Something I'm sure she's not even paying for, because she either has a scholarship or her daddy is paying for it. Plus, she's not white. So people give her money to get her to go places.
Man, I never get what I want. And I don't know what that is anyway. Woe is Me. ; )

So I am officially going through a quarter-life crisis. All the signs are there, except I have no problems talking about it. But... I hate my job! So now everyone knows. Just in case you were wondering. Here are some reasons why:

1. hypocrisy... too much to even talk about in detail
2. bitches
3. diets.... ugh
4. Saturdays that I work even though we have a part-time receptionist (but she has to go to ALL the CSU home games, gawd!)
5. 10 hour days
6. NO lunch breaks (not that I got them before, but it's worse now because of the diets.. ugh)

Also, it sucks so much that when I'm NOT at work, I am pissed off from having just been there, or dreading going back. It fucking sucks.
So, my quarter life crisis is in full swing. And if I don't find another job soon, I will need to go back on Prozac. Shitsville. At least I would have insurance that would cover the prozac if I stay. Hooray! There's the silver lining I've been looking for *rolls eyes*

I'm freaking out right now. I haven't slept at all tonight. It's 6 am, I have been throwing up and having diarrhea on and off all night, and I have to go to Denver today for a hair show. I texted Brittney, because aside from the fact that my body hates me right now, I am having such a bad anxiety attack, I am shaking. I haven't had one of these in so long, and the last time I had one, I had had them so frequently they were just sort of normal, but right now, I feel terrible. I couldn't sleep, I can't go to "work" today, and I can't calm down my body. Those two things right there just make it all worse.
What the hell is wrong with me? I haven't slept well in days. I hate my job, it scares me every time I have to go, and now I got this new cat and upset everything. At least I could find a home for the cat.... the rest of it, I don't know what to do with. I am so physically and emotionally drained right now, it's so early in the morning... I just don't know what to do....
I think I need help?

So my new job pretty much sucks. I mean that in the best possible way, considering I like the Turks that employ me, but hate the (what I am assumings is) Turkish way of getting things done. I work 10 hour days on Wednesdays and I don't get lunch breaks. I do get to eat, however, but it is in the back room and I am expected to eat as fast as humanly possible and then get back to work, or else stop what I am doing entirely and do whatever they ask of me. In a lot of ways, it reminds me of City Drug. Which was also run by foreigners (which I think is odd because a lot of foreigners think all Americans do nothing but work. I guess that means that when you are from somewhere else and become an American you become even MORE in that you try to work your (and everyone around you's) ass off at all times. In the past week, I have been running errands off the clock, picking up lunches and breakfasts and making ridiculous calls. I have also been returning to someone trying to tell me to do 10 other things as fast as possible and do it all well and in total compliance to the other things they are barking at me. In any event, I am exhausted.
Which lead me to think that maybe I should start looking into being a teacher. Apparently, I can't do that, either. Because the teaching program at CSU requires a very high GPA and the online teaching program at Regis requires knowledge of things that I never had to take as a history undergrad (macro-economics??). So I decided maybe teaching wasn't for me. Which I think I knew already. I don't want to put a ton of work and money into taking more classes so I can take the classes to get my teaching certificate. If I wanted to do that, I would go back for graduate school.
In any event, I think i am back to plan A which is being a travel agent. CSU just added an online program which can be done in 6 months. And I met a really nice travel agent (who got us a great deal on our honeymoon) who said she would hire me. And, since I decided not too long ago that that really would be my dream job, I'm pretty pleased with myself. It would be way better than sweeping hair for $8/hr 40 hours a week and being run ragged by some Turks who think I'm their bitch. And, it would really be something I enjoy.
Plan A. I like Plan A.

I HATE job hunting. I hate it more than dating and looking for houses, possibly combined. I agree with what I think Jenn once said-- that dating and jub hunting are all too similar: you get yourself all tarted up and try to present yourself well and then just wait for a call. It was one thing when I was in school, jobs were just jobs... but now I feel like I have a B.A. damnit! No, I didn't get shining grades and no I'm not the first person my professors would recommend for grad school, but I am PERFECT for the work world... I know how to kiss ass and I do just enough to keep my own covered. I was cut out for reality! I guess it just makes me sick to find out that Karla, Greg's manager,just got a new job. Karla is 24 and has 3 kids. She probably didn't graduate from high school, I know she's never touched a textbook belonging to a higher-education purpose, and she LIED to the IRS!!! BUT she just got a job that pays her $60,000 a year to DRIVE A TRUCK! I have a godamn B.A.! I actually finished college... that should count for something... that, and I never lied to the government. Jesus.
Greg is thinking for applying for the job as well, by the by... they are still hiring. If he got it, I could work wherever I damn well please, or just volunteer.
So I decided I just needed more faith in the whole process. I found a patron saint of the unemployed. I figure, I'm not gainfully employed, and I'm working a job that high schoolers find lackluster, so that should count for something. St. Cajetan was a priest in Venice in the 16th century. I don't know why, from reading his story he's the patron saint of the unemployed, but I'm willing to work it. St. Luke never let me down on essays I needed to write. We'll see.
Maybe if I just BELIEVE someone will help me get a job, it will work!

So, since everyone has been asking, and rather than airing my future family's dirty laundry all over people's facebook walls, I'm just going to write a livejournal.
So... Alaska. Let's just start out by saying: I would never CHOOSE to go there. If someone who wasn't going to be part of my future extended family, I would never, ever go there. And therefore, I do not consider any future visits voluntary. In any event, the weather was pretty shitty. All the flights in and out are at the most illogical times ever. We left Colorado at 7pm, and got into Anchorage at 5 to 10 Alaska time (5 to midnight CO time) and it was freaking DAYLIGHT. We flew into the sun the whole time, so I got no sleep. We pretty much went right to bed, but I was grumpy and wanted to bawl my eyes out, I was so tired. We got awoken bright and early the next morning (around 7:30) by Arlene, who kept slamming the door at the top of the stairs and stomping around in an effort to wake up her daughter so she could coo at the baby. We soon found out that there was only one car, and that one was the only one with a car-seat and therefore we were not going to be able to do anything that we had hoped, such as go into Anchorage or just, you know, get the hell out of the house. Needless to say, by the end of the night, Stephanie (Greg's sister) was in tears and her husband was aggravated because Arlene is loud, annoying, and thinks she's the all-time authority on motherhood. The next day, we played uno. All day. Wednesday we went fishing. Thursday, John (Stephanie's husband) and Jon (Greg's dad) decided to go fishing again, although the day before John had said he would take us into Anchorage. So we were trapped in the house again, until Stephanie and Arlene had a really big fight, in which Stephanie told Arlene that she had basically ruined her childhood (fair enough, totally the truth), but that she was over it and wanted to start over. Arlene kept bringing up all these things that happened to Steph when she was a kid (Greg and Steph's dad was/is a pediphile and molested her when she was a kid) and Stephanie just didn't want to hear about it. She got help, she's over it, and she wants to move on. She's married and has a child, so obviously, she's not as emotionally scarred as she could be. Anyway, I guess Stephanie mentioned something about Greg being resentful that Arlene won't attempt to save money for the rehearsal dinner and instead just buy a new pool or build a new deck. So when Arlene mentioned it to Greg, he said yeah... he was resentful (fair enough, totally true). This resulted in Arlene stomping out into the rain for 45 minutes, a screaming match, tears, Greg having a mini-nervous breakdown, me being called "snotty" for being smart and in the end, I (yes, ME) had to smooth everything over so that Stephanie could continue to function with her baby, and Greg didn't go screaming out into the woods behind the house never to return. After that, things were okay. We spent a day in Anchorage (Greg and I took a bus, because we just couldn't stand it), which was alright. It's very touristy, but the weather cleared up... it was sunny and about 79... which is very comfortable. We went to the Glacier Brewhouse, toured the Russian Orthodox Museum and went to the place they start the Iditarod every year. That was the best day, mainly because it was just Greg and I, the weather was nice, and we were away from the house.
In any event, the trip was bad. It had some nice days, but really... it was no vacation. Though, even though I saw all the insanity, I still want to marry Greg. And I actually want to marry him more than ever.
So that's it, in a nutshell. Now you know. And let's also say, that when I had to sit down and talk to Arlene... I didn't lie to her. I was frank with her, and I think I got through a bit. But that is yet to be seen.

Hello everyone who reads this. If you all could please give me your current mailing addresses (where you will be until at least mid-July) I need to send out save-the-dates for the wedding. I already got Devin's, so Devin, I don't need yours. But I don't have Shelby's new one, or the one that Jenn is moving into, and I don't know where Alicia is now. So if you read this and you are sure you are invited, just e-mail me your address (unless you want to post it on LJ as a comment to this entry). If you don't know my email address, post that as a comment and I will send it to you.

Thanks!

I know that it seems like I have only been posting to complain lately, but my feelings are really hurt right now. This has been an issue since September-ish, and I finally just need to let it out. People (my friends, my ex-friends, my former acquaintances, whatever) are really big fucking assholes. I don't really know how to say it other than that. Because ever since I got engaged, apparently, I don't like to do anything anymore. Which is why no one ever calls me to hang out, go shopping, get a drink, have dinner, see a movie, shoot the shit or drive around and talk. And no one NO ONE can say that it's because all I did was spend all my time with Greg. Because up until 2 months ago, we lived in entirely different cities. I understand that sometimes peoples' schedules are different, but I would carve out time in my day to hang out. And they all disappeared on me when they got boyfriends (Sarah? Remember how you used to get annoyed because when you and Pat would go out, you'd invite people to hang out and they didn't want to and you thought they were being juvenile? Welcome to everyone else's world). I understand that the very vast majority of my friends live out of state, and therefore they are obviously exempt from this. But it makes me really hella sad that no one wants to hang out with me. And when we do, they act all weird. It's not like I talk about my wedding (even when you ask, because then you act annoyed that I'm talking about it), or that I talk about Greg (unless you ask, in which case, the conversation rarely goes further than "he's fine"). I love Greg, but sometimes I need more than that. It's hard right now. I have no money. None. But I can make exceptions if I need to. Or we can just hang out. I would call you people, but since we haven't really been in touch, I don't even know what your schedules are like anymore. I really like having friends. I really need to have friends. But I need friends who understand that I am also engaged. And I need people to understand that having friends, being young, and getting married aren't separate entities. God, sometimes I just feel like my life is so fucking boring. I'm not an old woman. I'm no fucking different than I was a year ago. People may think I need to get over myself, but I really truly think it's this juvenile fucking behaviour that everyone needs to get over. Jesus.

You know, at least all of my worrying about graduating from college was completely unecessary. Since I didn't. And I don't. Until December. Because CSU sucks and apparently advisor error isn't enough to waive TWO credits of something I like to call "shits and giggles" classes. Because those 2 credits aren't in my major. Nor are they upper division. IN FACT, you can't even take an upper division class that is 2 credits. And, apparenly, financial harship isn't really a concern to Colorado State University either, since my mother, as of tomorrow is unemployed which means she doesn't have $400 extra dollars to send me to school (after paying for 4 years out of pocket because CSU didn't see fit to help in any way), not to mention I will be paying everything for myself and can't afford (on TWO part time jobs) to pay rent, bills and food, and therefore cannot take the time to sit in a class because I have to be working full time. Because that's not even mentioning the fact that I HAVE to have health insurance because of an on-going health issue that was brought up but never addressed until 3 weeks ago and now needs a series of treatment to correct. And let's just not think about the fact that NO ONE notified me of these phantom two credits until last Thursday. Not in February after I had gotten everything straightened out and signed up for 2 summer school classes and was told that upon satisfactory completetion of said classes I would get the degree I had worked and paid for. Oh no, last Thursday. May 25. Half way through the first session of summer school, 10 days after I walked in my commencement ceremony, and 2 weeks too late for me to not have already lined up a full time job.
Now I know why people shoot up schools. I am so livid, and I have no option but to fork up the money for an online course at Front Range and then HOPE they don't lose the paperwork (like they already did TWICE to me last semster) to transfer the credits, and get my degree a semester (and $1,500) later than I WAS TOLD I would.
I fucking hate my life. My kids ARE NOT GOING TO PUBLIC UNIVERSITIES EVER.
Also, I am never giving CSU a fucking penney of alumni money. They can kiss my ass.
And if I really don't graduate until December, then I am going to walk again and get another nice degree holder for my OTHER degree, because I GOT TWO FROM THESE ASSHOLES.